Acceptance as a gift

The final chapter in my quest to re-designate V-U-C-A is finally here.  If you have not been following along,  a year or so ago, I decided to borrow the acronym V-U-C-A (volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity) and reframing it in a more positive light.  So we have tackled "V"—for "values," "U" for "uniqueness," "C" for "curiosity," and we have arrived at our completion with "A." Drumroll, please "A" is for "acceptance." 

I chose acceptance a while back-well before Wuhan and China was on the radar with the novel coronavirus, and COVID-19 swept into all of our lives.  In fact, I wrote a draft blog in early December, that I have gone back to, but now realize I have different things to say about acceptance before COVID-19 disrupting society in the US and many countries around the globe. 

Acceptance—or perhaps more accurately, the desire to move toward acceptance—is something showing up in my life with regularity personally and professionally.  I like to think of it as a state of being in harmony with the conditions that impact us. To me, acceptance is the place where we can choose to stop resisting and getting in our own way.  Conceptually simple and elegant. Yet given human nature, for many of us, depending on what we are struggling with, arriving at a state of acceptance may be hard to achieve.  Nonetheless, gaining acceptance over and over again takes work, but it also can help us in living a happy, healthy, joyous and well-aligned life. 

To bring some clarity, let's look at some signs that show up when we lack acceptance. When this happens to me, I am in resistance mode.  I struggle.  It is no more complicated than that.  My resistance may show up as frustration, or anger, overwhelm, defeat, feeling stuck, maybe even a sense of self-doubt, or just not feeling like myself. I may also be in denial.  The exact signs for you may look or feel different—but when we are in resistance mode, we tend not to be a happy camper.

This is not to say that whatever the catalysts are to resistance is not challenging or difficult or that you must emotionally adopt them as accurate, or right, moral, fun, or whatever. It is just about what happens when we actively resist. Imagine, if you will, a resistance band you might use for a work-out or physical therapy.  Now think of what happens when you pull away from it with force. The more exertion that is applied the thinner the band becomes.  With enough energy and repetition, the band may not return to its original state.  It may become thin, lose its shape, or simply snap and break.  When that happens, well, ouch.  For me resistance mode—which is likely to occur by the way—just isn't particularly helpful to me.  Like, the exercise band, if I choose to stay in this state for too long, it is harder for me to snap back.  Like so many things in life, the key for me is to notice this sooner than later, so I can choose to stop resisting. 

 As I have gotten older, acceptance started sounding less like a cute quip from a judgy friend and family member and more like a gift to me.  It is the gift that can set us free to move on.  I know some of you may think that sounds ridiculous, but let me elaborate on the essence of acceptance. Let's pivot away from COVID-19 and take a look at a typical example of resistance. 

Let's use the analogy of a break-up.  Have you ever met someone who is in resistance mode regarding a break-up?  In this example, let's say they are holding onto a relationship that, for whatever reason, is not good for them.  I have experienced this both personally and been there for friends and family going through this type of experience.  They may be bargaining, in denial, looking for signs that the relationship is not DOA.  But, for many of us, we watched on supporting our friend or family knowing in our heart of hearts that if they could just accept that it is over, they can get through this and move on….

Resistance to acceptance can take many forms depending on the situation. Let's take social distancing and COVID-19. This is unchartered territory for most of us. That said, we do have the gift of acceptance to help us through.  For me, a self-described homebody,  this means reconciling that I don't love being at home constantly that much. I usually am heading to work, the gym, errands, seeing friends, going out to dinner.  You get the picture. I am an extroverted introvert that likes to be with people. At least for a good part of the day.   That said, I don't have to like social distancing at all.  The point is that by accepting, I can make it easier on myself.  Once there,  I can move onto a place where I can manage the experience and perhaps find new ways of coping—maybe connecting to my peeps virtually going on walks, hikes, jogs outside when possible.  If I choose to resist this—either by putting my health and my community's health at risk—or just having a bad attitude about it, I won't make it any easier on myself or anyone else for that matter.

Right now, things look different for pretty much all of us.  Some are having financial strain, businesses drying up, and real worry about how to pay the bills and keep food on the table.  I recognize times are extraordinarily hard right now for many.  And much of this situation is not in our zone of control. But each of us can choose to dig deep and grab for the gift of acceptance for the current circumstances.  It will not change what we are all going through, but it may help us with our perspective and getting through it just a little easier. 

 I wish everyone health and well-being.  Warmly,

Jennifer

Curiosity and the Cat….

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I am on a roll now!  For those of you that are keeping abreast of my repurposing of the V-U-C-A acronym (for volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity), we are repurposing the "C" here today to extol the virtues of curiosity.  There are lots to recommend about curiosity.  When genuine, it creates an openness, leads to learning, and is closely related to compassion and concern. So why in the word did curiosity kill the Cat?  It seems to me that this idiom has misrepresented curiosity, and we forget to notice the admirable aspects of curiosity. 

For those interested, I did a quick check-in with google, and it led me to learn that the original phrase of English origin, was "Care killed the cat." In this instance, "care" meant worry or sorrow. https://knowyourphrase.com/curiosity-killed-the-cat. 

Too much worry or sorrow is soul-wrenching for sure.  So that makes sense to me…worry or sadness killed the Cat. But curiosity doesn't seem to fit.    Well, it turns out that the idiom adaptation occurred sometime in the late 1800s. https://writingexplained.org/idiom-dictionary/curiosity-killed-the-cat

One important idea to note is that this phrase speaks of a specific kind of curiosity.  The type that is intrusive, as in excessively nosey or inappropriate—as in unwelcome. The sort of curiosity that could get someone in trouble.  For me, it brings an image to mind of a mob boss reminding a nosey underling that snitches get stitches.  But I digress…back to the Cat. 

The point is, cats are naturally curious and follow their curiosity often to unexpected results.  Think of the cat that decides to check out a new curtain by climbing the curtain only to find close to the top (use your imagination here) her paw gets stuck in the fabric of the curtain! YIKES! She panics and pulls away only to notice that she is high up without a ledge in sight!  She flips as she pulls, making a loud sound that sounds murderous, only to land gracefully on her feet.  She lays there, breathing heavily, and then saunters off to find more trouble.  Thankfully, she has nine lives.

But this is not the quality I want to focus on today.  I want to focus on the kind of curiosity that invites friends, colleagues, and family to feel special because you are not only are listening to them, but are you are genuinely interested in what they have to say.  You show up with humility and openness that indicates your happy to learn and don't have all the answers.  You have no attachment to the answers to your questions other than to hear what people are saying! Doing this not only builds relationships in our personal lives but it is a skill that, if applied, can help grow work-life relationships, whether your building your business or just hoping to interact better with your colleagues. 

Think about your own interactions. Now first, let's consider the opposite approach. The interaction with a person who engages only to hear themselves talk, press their ideas or agenda, and no matter what you say, it's just a platform for their response to you.  Let's consider this the anti-curious space.  Now, this may be an approach to some engagements, but how would it feel to hear yourself described that way?  Speaking for myself, that is not the impression I want to leave. 

Pivoting to the peeps that I want to emulate, they are the ones that engage in a way that demonstrates that they care to hear what I have to say.  Do you know someone like this?  Doesn't it feel great when someone is curious and interested to listen to what you have to say? I don't expect in a fast-paced business environment that leaders would be in a constant state of curiosity to the exclusion of their other skills. Leaders also need to know their business and make decisions.  But being open to new ideas and ways of thinking can also lead to innovation and growth.  How you engage in your personal and professional life may be worth considering from time to time.  Including, reviewing if you are matching your engagement style with your objectives for the engagement.  Are you creating the type of environment for the kind of conversations you want to have?

But let me not confuse the issue, not all conversations, or questions are about curiosity. Take questioning in a court of law during direct examination and then during cross-examination. The purpose is to build a case or shed doubt in our opponent's position.  Not an easy-going manner of eliciting information and learning about someone.  It likely feels uncomfortable and adversarial, and, in those cases, it is.  But used in other circumstances, it might not be the right fit if you are trying to get someone to open up and feel amenable to spilling the beans.  Or if you are looking to get your team to come up with a new creative idea.  Engaging in this way may not do much to engender a feeling of openness that might spark your or your team's creativity. 

Another attribute of curiosity worth mentioning is that without it, we would do the same old thing, never taking chances.  For me, I might not have endeavored to leave my small suburban town, move to New England, and then years later uproot and move to Washington, DC.  I also would have missed a lot of growth and development had I not taken risks, followed my intuition, and made career changes that have exposed me to diverse work experiences since coming to DC, 22 years ago.  In all these cases, I  was curious to learn and grow and dream about jobs and places to live that were different than my current experiences. 

Let's take my niece, for example.  Let me start by mentioning that she is a kind, compassionate, smart, beautiful young woman (inside and out) and is one of my favorite peeps on gods' green earth.  But, (KB if your reading this read sorry if your Tante is embarrassing you) when she was younger, she was also a very particular eater---by that, I mean she didn't like much.  And, by that, I mean she would not try much. When she was 16, she came to visit me in Washington, DC.  At that time—her repertoire of possible options was very narrow: bagels, hamburgers, and pizza. I know, you are all thinking, this is par for the course for a 16-year-old.  But when I say she had a limited repertoire, friends, this was all she was eating.

Fast forward five years later, and she has traveled all over the world, spent a semester abroad, and now is she is a down-right culinary daredevil. What changed?  She went to college, met different people, was exposed to different ideas, and got curious.  So she expanded her horizons.  No real mystery here, but you get my point. Think how bland life can be when we don't think to be open to learning new things, seeing new perspectives, and daring to see what else is out there. 

Speaking of new perspectives, what about the moment when you hear someone make a request or comment, and your mind jumps to a negative conclusion about the why of that ask or comment…and it got you fired up?  Has that happened to you?  What if in that one second where you recognized you were going to the dark side, you got curious?  What if rather than assuming you knew what the motive for this request/comment you were open to the possibility that the motivation had no mal intention.  Chances are you might avoid getting torqued!  Let me illustrate. 

One of my clients, let's call her Emily, recently came to a session peeved at her Vice President.  This VP had a rude habit of sending Emily off on a wild goose chase to test her.  The dynamics of the relationship were such that Emily did not feel like she could engage with her VP about these requests, …which seemed to fuel Emily's aggravation.  As we talked about these incidents, I simply inquired if there could be other reasons for these requests? Ya know what, one by one, my client identified multiple possible reasons for her VP's requests that had not previously occurred to her. Would it make a difference to Emily if the assignment had a real purpose rather than her original perception of the "wild-goose chase?"  Emily  exclaimed, "of course it would, I don't know why I didn't think of these alternatives at the time." Well, Emily, now you know you can pause and get a bit more curious. 

Once Emily could see possibilities, she was also more open about navigating these interactions.  As a result, we were also able to uncover a bit more about the origin of Emily's perception that she could not engage her VP to understand these requests better?  Emily is now looking at these dynamics and encounters will a lot more curiosity and openness.

What about you? Are you practicing your curiosity muscle?  Next time you're at a restaurant why not expand your horizons and see what happens. You might just find something you didn't know you loved!

Flying your U-Flag

It is a year later, and the world at large, and Washington, D.C.  continues to deliver a kind of unpredictability that strangely is only predictable in that we have come to anticipate or maybe even expect norm-breaking.  This anticipation is almost palpable and strange and so deeply embedded into the current times that it almost permeates the air.  I have felt a bit rudderless at times.  The things I relied upon to find my way in the world seemed no longer accepted as the norm.  When faced with challenges, whether personal or professional, I have had to remind myself that to endure times that feel rudderless, or things feel out of control, I only need to dig deep, and tune in to see my unique flag to guide me. 

This concept reignited the continuation of last year's borrowing of V-U-C-A (volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity). I am now finally ready to re-designate the "u" from "uncertainty" to "unique."  Why did I choose unique?  The easy answer is that it starts with a "u," and as you know, that was the letter I needed to tackle next.  But the real reason I choose it is that when faced with challenges small or significant, we each have our own, individual way of being.  It is our essence that is so individual, that it makes us who we are.  It is our truth if you will— and no one can take that from us.  For our purposes, I will call it our unique flag—or U flag. 

We each have our own U flag.  It is in front of us at all times, pointing the way.  It grounds us.  When we are aligned and looking in the direction of our flag, you can barely hear it.  But when we are out of alignment, it begins flapping in the wind loudly.  Just like the resistance of the wind, when we are going against what is right for us, ignoring our instincts, or not being true to who we are, we feel that resistance often as discomfort.  Alignment or dis-alignment with our flag is a sign.  If you tune in and listen, you can see if you are pointing in the same direction as your flag.    

The flag analogy reminds me of several people I know and have had the good fortune to connect with during this holiday season.  It seems like everyone I know is in one form of transition or another. Both the good and the less desirable kind can cause stress and uncertainty.   Transitions run the gamut from a loss of a loved one, personal illness, financial struggles.  Or landing a new job or purchasing a house.  Not all of us remember to dig inside and trust our instincts and listen to our inner voice for guidance on how to deal with life's ups and downs. 

My friend Lila recently had a professional shift that left her flailing and feeling out of control.  After seven years, she left a job that no longer was professionally or financially satisfying and took on a new role.  She was initially very excited about starting something new, but also it was daunting.  Would she have the right skill set, was she too old, would she preform the way the new boss wanted?  These questions bubbled up and reverberated in her head.

To make matters worse, her new colleagues fed her self-doubt.  As her new role began,  she was feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and a bit trapped in response to a new colleague's guidance on how she should do her job.  Her new colleague was not very helpful; he expected her to magically somehow know the ropes and do things exactly the way he did with little to no background, context, or useful instruction.  Lila was miserable.  She told me she felt like she had made a mistake taking her new job.  She felt out of her element and fearful and fueled by self-doubt.  Lila continued on this path, dreading every day.  Until the unthinkable occurred.  She was going to be left to manage the office on her own for three weeks! Lila dreaded this. 

But something happened to Lila once she left to her own devices that shifted her experience.   Lila began looking inward for her cues on how to achieve the work before her.   Once she stopped trying to fit a mold that wasn't hers, she was no longer resisting.  Lila felt better, was no longer frustrated, and was accomplishing the items on her to-do list.   It is still hard being new, learning the new company, but she is in alignment with her U flag.  Since then, Lila has fallen into a rhythm.  It's not always easy—but she is no longer actively resisting an approach she has chosen to employ.

This theme has continued to pop up and resonate with me recently.  Earlier this month, I was at an event and met a recovering lawyer who is now a resume and networking coach.  I asked her about her transition into coaching.  The theme of her story was similar to Lila's.  She was following a path as a lawyer that was not right for her.  She told me that she went from job to job for several years or so after law school, never finding professional happiness.  After a great deal of reflection, she realized that she was resisting her true calling.  She left her job and is now happily helping others through transitions like the one she went through. 

I even heard a nugget around this theme from an instructor in a treadmill class.  She said you could not fail at your destiny.  And, if it is not meant to be, you cannot mess it up. This simple thought meant to drive me to sprint the last 90 seconds of class, was a reminder to be true to who we are. You do you. It fueled me to run at my challenging pace, not the speed of someone faster, or slower for that matter.   That last 90 seconds felt awesome as I hit my stride!  Off the treadmill, that message has felt just as compelling to me.

Next time you find yourself and uncomfortable and feel like you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, take some time to sit with yourself and reflect on how to follow your "U flag."

Here are a couple of concepts to help guide you as you reflect:

What is happening?

What do you find challenging about this situation?

What is right for you about the situation?

What is wrong for you about the situation?

What do your instincts tell you about the story you are telling yourself about this challenge?

What is one thing about this situation that you know to be true?  How do you know it's true?

What are you not saying that you need to hear?

What is one approach/step that you can take?

A different V-U-C-A Perspective

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Starting with V….

As the larger world seems full as ever of the volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity (V-U-C-A), on my first day off for the holiday this December, I wondered what I could do to lessen the negative consequences of the state of the world? My mind began to spin with all the possibilities. Can my actions alone make a difference?  What is a big enough act to make a meaningful difference? I was quickly feeling small as my efforts alone might not amount to much. I was just about to give up when I remembered the meaningful experience of “being.”  A thought bubbled up in my head that I didn’t have to do anything, but I could change my state of “being,” as I considered this VUCA world.    

As a result, the idea of borrowing the acronym V-U-C-A and reframing it for the kind of “being” that can help me weather the world with more resilience immediately came to mind.  But that’s a lot to bite off, so I have decided to start simply with V on this post and return periodically for each letter incrementally in the future. So here goes!

I thought a lot about what the “V” should be, and what really resonated with me. There were many words that jumped out, vulnerability, veracity, venerable, vibrant, virtuous, for example.  But one word reverberated in my head—it’s something that comes up in my coaching practice quite a bit—“values.” This word was the loudest of my thoughts.  I liked the idea of using my values as a guidepost to help me stay on course to have a happy healthy 2019. It also reminded me of a recent coaching session where my client was seeking a tool to guide him to stay on course to ensure that he is intentionally showing up the way he wants to.  Earlier in our conversation he had been talking about his values. Ultimately by the end of our session he concluded that his values, indeed, were the exact tool he needed to check in on how he was showing up. How simple, yet powerful!

 For me, just like my client, when I am living aligned with my values, I am content.  Conversely, when I am not living my values, my world is generally in upheaval, and in discord, and I am not enjoying it.  Righting the ship into the smooth waters of living my values can return me to equilibrium. 

 For some, it can feel daunting to dig into and come up with what we really value. Candidly, I admit that for me, this is because I am a “people pleaser,” which makes me cringe.  But let me be clear, being a “people pleaser,” doesn’t mean I am necessarily skilled in actually pleasing people.  It is instead, a strong motivator for me. As a result, it is sometimes hard to separate what I actually value and what I think I “should,” value. When I can separate “should,” from what is really important to me, I can get closer to the core of my values. My list includes integrity, dependability, acceptance, and compassion. For me, these four values show up a great deal and tend to be the drivers of my behavior—people pleasing or not! This doesn’t mean that I necessarily exemplify these values perfectly, but rather, as I see them, they motivate my behavior. I also notice in times when I feel in conflict with them, I experience discontent. 

Let me give an example of how this has shown up for me.  There was a recent situation where things were not going well for me.  Several people in my sphere behaved in ways that disappointed and hurt me.  For a two-week period, I was truly out of sorts.  I saw what others were “doing,” “saying,” or “acting,” as a major problem and the focus of all of my negative—and it WAS negative—energy.  I saw these individuals as acting with malintent toward me.  Additionally, I was holding little space, if any, for compassion toward them or their intentions, even if I disagreed with their actions.  As you likely can surmise, this was a miserable place to be, but for that time, it consumed me.  

But I also recognized that while I was in this ugly space—I was also acting contrary to a value that I say is important to me—the value of compassion.  So, I let go of my negative energy, my judgement, my disappointment and embraced my values.  And even though it was hard, just the decision to do so, made me feel better.  I spent the next several days using my daily meditation as a space to focus on compassion for those who challenged this value, and told my closest friends, family and colleagues about what I was going through and how I hoped to turn things around.  Little by little, I returned to feeling like myself.

But let me be clear, although this was a conscious choice to change my perspective, it did not mean that any unacceptable behavior by others was somehow now acceptable.  But it did mean that I could choose to no longer dwell in a place where I was not living my values.  For me, no ones’ bad behavior actually justifies me not living into my values.  When I act judgmentally and gossip and focus on other people’s shortcomings, I feel negative, and my world feels out of whack.  Holding this space, no matter how righteous I may feel, does not serve me.  So, returning to seeing others through a lens of understanding, empathy, and compassion usually returns me to a productive my comfortable space. 

I offer a couple of ideas that helped synthesize my core values, and hopefully you might find them helpful too.

1)    Looking at your behaviors, what are the themes that come up for you? What are the things you care about and look for, strive for, more toward, or come back to again and again?

2)    Ask yourself what are the things that are super important to you that you will fight for? What is motivating you here? 

3)    Think about times when you were uncomfortable?  What were the circumstances?  Did they trigger a reaction against something you hold dear?  Perhaps a violation of your values?  What was it? What made you uncomfortable? What was important for you about that?

4)    Notice when you are having these reactions and try using a journal to detail what was going on for you.  What values are at play for you? How did you show up?  Were you aligned with your values?  If not, how is that serving you?  If it does serve you, consider what other values are at play for you.

It hopefully won’t surprise you to know that there are times where I don’t live into my values.  The important thing for me is to be aware of when this happens and, to be clear on what is causing me to act contrary to my values. Of course, when and where appropriate, I should take responsibility for it, too. What is really interesting to me is that this is often difficult to see in the moment for most of us. It is really easy to blame people, places, and things as an excuse or explanation for how I am showing up. When I think back on when I have been in this space, I usually feel stuck. But when I dig deeper, and I can see that my excuses or explanations are surface level and I have responsibility and some choice here. I can then figure out why I am acting contrary to what I say I value and decide if that is working for me or not. If not, I can work on figuring out in the current situation how I can return to my comfort zone of living my values. So, the next time your stuck, try thinking about how the situation relates to your values and take a crack at digging deeper. 

Standing in your way

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I recently was with a talented manager and her team where she related a conversation with an employee that ended when the employee said, “you can’t make me happy.” I am not sure if that employee meant to free her manager of the “happiness,” responsibility, but what a gift it turned out to be. It reminded me that ultimately each of us have some responsibility in how we choose to show up in our work place. When we show up deflated or defeatist and focusing energy outward on how others are causing us to “be,” or feel this way, we may be missing opportunities to experience our environments differently. It led me to start thinking about how we sometimes stand in our own way when we fail to notice the power we each have in the experience of our own circumstance.  Usually when we can open up our awareness just a smidge, we can take some form of action, or change the way we think about a situation, to increase our sense of purpose or reduce our frustration-- even in a small way that can make us feel better. 

This concept can relate to many aspects of life. My dentist reminded me of this after learning that my beloved dog Tessa was diagnosed with Lymphoma. I was deeply saddened and worried about my pup. Understandably, my mind kept going to losing her. Right before her first chemo treatment started, he texted me to lend support. He also gently reminded me of the saying “whatever you focus on becomes your reality.” That struck a chord. I most certainly did not want my reality to be filled with anticipation of losing my pup. I wanted to spend whatever time we had together enjoying her companionship and love and hopefully vice versa.  It was that moment that I realized that I had a choice. I could focus on enjoying my sweet pup while she was here, one day at a time.   

A client of mine also echoed this idea. She related to me that her team was depleting her by asking her questions that they “already knew the answer to.” It was causing her tremendous frustration. Another client observed that he was “stuck,” and didn’t have the power to solve problems in his role.  What did both of these clients have in common?  They were both standing in their own way, not noticing that they had the ability to change their perspectives which opened up new possibilities on how they choose to deal with situations. Both found new opportunities to reduce their frustration and power in acting where they previously believed they had no capacity to contribute to having a better experience.

Consider Ian, a professional in his early 40s.  Ian reported that he was abused by his micromanaging boss who lacked trust in him.  Although Ian wanted a bigger role in his company, he knew he needed to learn to make his current role work or forgo moving up as he has hoped.  What really upset Ian was his boss’s requests for updates and progress reports. Why didn’t the boss just trust that all was well, and that Ian would let him know if something went wrong?

Ian started with the limiting belief that his boss’s interest in his work demonstrated his boss’s lack of professional respect and confidence in him. He didn’t ascribe any other legitimate reason for his boss’s inquiries. As a result, Ian became defensive. He also expected his ideas would be rejected and he approached his boss at times anticipating conflict, with hostility.  The relationship suffered, as did Ian.  Eventually, Ian began withdrawing and did not want to offer ideas or recommendations.  Ian was not proud of his behavior, but he also didn’t think he had a role in changing the situation. He thought his problems stemmed from his boss’s bad behavior.

Over time, exploring Ian’s current reality, he also noticed that he independently handled important clients, and meetings and offered follow-up recommendations that his boss often adopted and even applauded. He noticed that he was the only one on his team who had this much autonomy. Ian slowly began to notice that his interpretation of his boss’s request was coloring all of his experiences—and that previously he missed the indicators of other possibilities.

As Ian continued to dive into his work experience he noticed a couple of things.  First, he noticed that he was triggered every time his boss wanted to know about his progress with his clients.  Once Ian could identify that there were other possibilities for why his boss would want to be looped into his work, he was able to identify this was going on and choose to not react as he had in the past.

Ian began to find that not only did his relationship with his boss improve, but he felt more trusted and appreciated. Slowly, as his perspective began to shift, Ian’s experience did as well. ­­­­­ Sometimes Ian still feels resistant when he gets a request from his boss, but by in large now, Ian is better able to experience this request without ascribing bad intentions to his boss, avoiding the lifecycle of their previously strained relationship.  

The next time your faced with being stuck unable to achieve your goal and or have a struggle or frustration that you think is impeding you successfully reaching your goals explore these inquires to see if any possibilities for agency open for you.

1)    What is the most important goal you want to achieve in this situation?

2)    What are the facts of my situation?  What conclusions or assumptions am I making regarding these facts? 

3)    Do I hold any beliefs around this situation that are self-limiting? Are these conclusions serving me?

4)    Are there any alternate interpretations that could serve me? With these in mind, does this open up any possibilities for me?

5)    What am I willing to commit to make progress on my goal?

Adrenaline junky or collector…does putting off that task serve you?

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Recently the theme of procrastination is all around me.  It seems lurking in the back of my mind is a task that I have put off.  For me, these tend to be relatively innocuous household tasks that I hate doing.  Like fixing the kitchen light fixtures that have not worked for at least a decade.  According to Merriam-Websters.com, “procrastination,” means “to put off intentionally and habitually.”  In the case of my kitchen lighting, the down-side of putting off this task certainly has not caught up with me, but why do I never get to it?    I have observed that each of us is prone to a particular procrastination style. For example, there are the dare-devil adrenaline junkies who need the thrill of a deadline to push them forward, the collectors of facts who may encounter analysis paralysis for fear of missing out on the best option, and the weed, who has outgrown old priorities.

Whatever the style, this theme of procrastination has come up a lot recently with clients, colleagues and friends. Or as a dear friend who we can call “Blanche,” refers to it in her life, “WABing,” short for “work avoidance behavior.”  Blanche will exclaim in what can sometimes sound like slightly controlled panic, “I am running behind!” She will then list how vet appointments, laundry and a lunch date conspired to sabotage her day as she rushes to meet an impending deadline.  In that moment, she appears both desperate and miserable. 

Why do so many of us “put off,” what we say we should be doing?  One client who recently married told me she is really enjoying married life and has been putting off her work goals to focus on her new family life, but wanted to jump start her action plan while still making time for friends, family, and her new spouse.  Another client told me she was putting off a career decision because she wasn’t sure she has fully explored all of her options.  Blanche told me just this morning that procrastination has at times been helpful to her.  As deadlines get closer the tasks she puts off become more urgent which kicks in her adrenaline to get the work done on time. These all sound like great reasons to put things off...so why does procrastination get such a bad rap?

The good news is that if you are like Blanche and some of my clients, sometimes procrastination serves a legitimate purpose for us.  It can help us prioritize what is most important.  But if you are finding that you cannot get out of your own way and are putting off important priorities, and the ramifications are more unpleasant than the things you are putting off, it may be time to reconsider the role of procrastination in your life. 

So before putting off that next task, to-do or appointment, ask yourself, “is putting this off going to serve me?” What do I gain?  What do I give up?” Is the adrenaline rush getting me across the finish line like it used to without other costs that make it less useful?  Or are you like Blanche and find this daredevil rush of an impending deadline an appealing motivational driver?  In any case, assessing what is, or is not, working can help you determine if you have outgrown a work style or if it fits your present circumstances. 

Another theme I have heard as of late is that sometimes we find our values have changed our priorities—as in the case of my client who is now prioritizing family over achieving ambitious work goals.  In such cases, taking stock of where we are now and setting or adjusting those goals that match those values can often make us feel better. So, if you are putting off chasing that next promotion that would require you to commit to working longer hours, ask yourself, what do I give up by taking on this new role versus what I give up if I choose not to pursue it.  Only you can answer these questions. 

I also have noticed the idea of not making a decision until every possible detail is researched.  This sounds like an ideal way to make a decision, right? Collect the best data to make an informed choice.  But what if there is never enough research or new data keeps coming in, so the decision is made to continue to research?  It’s important to understand that in this case, not choosing is a decision itself.  If you are shopping for a new car, the decision to forgo a purchase might not have any negative consequences other than sticking with your old ride.  But what about more important decisions?  A colleague told me he was a horrible decision maker and put off almost all decisions to his detriment because of the fear of missing out on the best one.   As a result, he stayed at a job that he described as no longer working for him because he could not decide what the next best career move was for him.  In his case the decision not to decide keeps him feeling stuck and unsatisfied. 

But like my colleague, those of us who choose to put off a decision for fear of making the wrong decision, or for fear of missing out (FOMO), have actually made one.  Ultimately, whether FOMO is at play or not, it is important to put the decision you are making into perspective.  I often ask myself how important is this to my current happiness and well-being?  Not every choice we make needs to be the perfect one.   For example, after 19 years of looking for the perfect dining room table, I recently pulled the trigger.  Although I love to entertain, my previous road-side bargain was uncomfortable and falling apart.  I recognized that on balance it was more important for me to have a table and chairs I liked now, rather than holding out for the best one.  I found one that was both affordable and stylish.  And because it was affordable, I gave myself permission to embrace the table now without the worry of whether or not it will suit me in 30 years. This mindset was what I needed to make this happen. 

Whether you are putting off the big assignment due today at 6pm, or a household matter that has needed attention, do you know why you put it off?  If not, take a moment to indulge in asking yourself…does this serve me?

Rose Colored Glasses Please!

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Rose colored glasses please!

Have you ever noticed that sometimes, although you are at the same meetings with a colleague, your interpretation of what happened at the meeting was different…and maybe you were the one who took notice of all the things that went wrong? If not, you’re ahead of the game-perhaps you have a regularly sunny and optimistic outlook that serves you well. But some of you may be like me and have had lapses, where I have fallen victim to the negativity bug from time to time. The quicker I can turn it around, the better I, and everyone around me, feels. But sometimes switching out my wayfarers for a pair of rose colored glasses is just what I need to get right back on track.

I grew up in the northeast in an environment where being a “realist,” which upon reflection, I think included a large dose of pessimism, was king.  Being a “Pollyanna,” or looking through rose-colored glasses was considered naiveté, and “simple.” But what if your colleague with the sunny outlook and Pollyanna was on to something? What if finding the silver lining, or focusing on the positive side of situations actually helped us feel more fulfilled and productive and led to greater success? What if being mired in negativity wasn’t just bringing the vibe down in social situations, but what if it's actually getting in the way of our own happiness and success?

Do you ever wonder why you might dwell on the negative? According to a 2001[1] study by Paul Rozin and Edward Royzman, our minds have evolved with a negativity bias—noting and remembering the bad with much more dominance than the good.   The authors of the study noted, “[o]ne of the best generic descriptions of this relative power of negative contamination is embedded in an age-old Russian adage: “A spoonful of tar can spoil a barrel of honey, but a spoonful of honey does nothing for a barrel of tar.” However, others believe that while we are all wired this way, with practice and intention we can have a real impact on this bias and feel more positive leading to more fulfillment and happiness.[2]  

Seems really obvious, but every now and again, I have difficulty in seeing the sunny side of things. Gaining perspective on what really is causing my negative outlook and challenging myself to question the thinking that has led me to view the circumstances in that way.   As always, the first step to a new approach is to simply notice that I am choosing to be negative.  Once I have that opening, I can then decide if I want to choose a different approach, or stay where I am.   

I had this experience recently, and before I was able to pull myself out of it, I was completely flooded with negativity and spending a great deal of time focusing on what was going wrong. It wasn’t a long period of time, but long enough that I was not feeling like myself, and I was not showing up in my life to my best advantage.

Right before this period of negativity, things were going fantastic.  I was very successful in my day job, with a fantastic team supporting me, and had recently opened the doors to my new business.   But soon thereafter, there were some personnel changes at my job and a new supervisor came on the scene.  Initially, I was very excited about her coming on, but that quickly soured. At the time, it seemed like every email I received from her was laced with demands and judgement. Not only was my relationship with her not what I hoped for, but I wasn’t showing up for my staff as the leader that I once was, and still wanted to be.  I seemed to see negativity in every interaction I had with her…and what was worse, I was painfully aware that this was not going to work. I knew I needed to make a change. 

Well, after consulting with my own fabulous coach, (Melissa@LeadershipProjectcoach.com)  I grabbed a pair of those glasses! Yup, that’s right. I intentionally changed the lens I was interpreting through. Before the swap, I was seeing my new boss as someone who was attempting to judge me harshly for the purpose of doing me harm. As a result, I saw her as doing things to harm me. This colored our interactions and only made things worse. 

Swapping out that negative lens and instead seeing my boss as someone who perhaps was awkwardly negotiating her own learning, helped me drop those negative interpretations almost immediately. Within days, this relationship that seemed to be a thorn in my side, and not working, became manageable. Whether any of it was true or not, doesn’t even matter.  Once I changed my mindset to something more positive, I felt better, and I returned to thriving.

Months later, although we might never become BFFs, our professional relationship is much improved and drama-free. More importantly, I am able to show-up as the professional I want to be and not sucked into the mire of noticing every negative thing in the office. My rose-colored glasses have restored me!

Unfortunately, I have observed how negativity not only impacts my life, but also the lives of colleagues, clients, friends and family. At times, it’s a sneaky thief draining our sense of well-being. So, next time you notice negativity is bringing you down, or you get hints from friends or family that suggest you're more negative than usual, try the exercise below to help you pull out of it.

Grab a pen and a pad of paper or your favorite journal and take some time to journal on the following points.

1)    Notice what has/is causing you to be negative? Has some event triggered you? Jot down what that is and pay close attention to what your assumptions are in this/these situations.

2)    Consider are those assumptions serving you? If not, what are some alternative possibilities for this situation? 

3)    Looking through these possibilities, do you gain any new perspectives on this event? Or feel less negative?

Notes

[1] Paul Rozin and Edward B. Royzman, “Negativity Bias, Negativity Dominance, and Contagion,” Personality and Social Psychology Review, 2001, Vol. 5, No. 4, 296–320.

[2] Dan Baker, PhD,  What Happy People Know: How the New Science of Happiness Can Change Your Life for the Better.